You read that right.
Before the story begins, some background: my friend Marissa is insanely beautiful – one of those girls who always gets attention because she’s freaking hot but doesn’t act like she is. She’s pretty cool.
Anyway, after getting Sherlocked, we decided to take a stroll through Regent’s Park, one of the most beautiful parks in London (in my opinion). Since we both happened to do our hair and makeup that day (I rarely wear makeup, so this is a big deal), we decided to do a little #SelfieSunday, as one jogger yelled out to us.
We were being very basic, taking “candid” pictures of each other by the river or over the bridge and with pigeons and squirrels and feeling very Cinderella-like. Judge all you want, we were having a good time.
Let me get back to the pigeons and squirrels real quick. We had just crossed over a bridge (yes, I took a “candid” photo on this, too. It’s below.) to make our way to check out Queen Mary’s Gardens and see Regent’s University London when we passed by this gypsy woman feeding* the animals. We watched in amusement until she handed us her bag of seed to let us have a turn (seriously, the British are SO kind). Needless to say, these animals are fearless with their appetite and the squirrels had no problem eating it out of my hand and the birds sure didn’t mind landing on my shoulder or head. We got some good laughs out of the birds flying up in one giant tornado and us freaking out they would poop on us.
Once we had our fill, we continued walking along the river and came across a bench where we decided to sit down to appreciate nature’s beauty. A few minutes after we sat, this guy looked at us as he walked by carrying a camera and backpack. We watched him backtrack, and approach us. He introduced himself to us as Ken** and said he was doing a portfolio for class on feet and if we wouldn’t mind modeling for him.
I know, I KNOW. We probably shouldn’t have said yes. We probably should have assumed he wasn’t a university student. We probably should have just ran away. But we didn’t and this is what happened:
Marissa was the first to model. Remember how I mentioned she’s super beautiful and proved it to you with the photo above? Okay, so, Kevin LOVED her. Like, absolutely adored her. While I took actual candid photos, he had her sit on the bench and took loads of photos, then he had her turn lengthwise and stick her legs out straight with her feet coming off the edge, all the while snapping away. And here’s where things start to get a little…weird(er).
He had her slowly untie her laces. Camera’s clicking away. Then he had her slowly take off her shoes. Click click click. Next, he asked her to take her socks off. Slowly. One at a time. “Pinch the top where your toes are and slowly pull it off,” said Kris. He’s snapping away. Once both socks were off, he took photo after photo of her naked feet (not to mention it’s cold and socks are life and good thing we painted our toe nails and took showers recently). He had her reach her arms out to touch her toes. Snap snap snap. Then he made her curl her toes. Click click click. “Now cross one foot over the other.” Camera’s going crazy. Kendrick has her then spread her toes. Doesn’t his finger hurt by now? For her final pose, she had to kneel on the bench, back turned to him, with her feet still hanging off the edge of the bench. He must have taken a million photos by now.
Kevlin spent around ten minutes taking pictures of Marissa. All the while, I’m watching and thinking “we made a terrible mistake” and trying to hold it together and not laugh at what was happening. Then it was my turn. And you know how long it took me? Barely five minutes. I’m definitely okay with that and not at all bitter that he liked Marissa better because obviously and also is understandable because as my friend Hagrid would say, “you have wrinkly old person feet.” Fair.
I think the most uncomfortable moment of the whole session was when I was modeling, Kellan looked up at me and said “You ever had a boyfriend or anything that liked your feet?” …um. No, no Klay. None of my boyfriends had foot fetishes, but I appreciate your attempt at making conversation.
You really should have seen our Snapchat story.
So, the point of this whole post is that I can now add “foot model” to my resume and I am currently taking bookings to model for you on the basis that you pay me, you fly me out to where you are, and don’t ask me if any of my past relationships involved foot porn.
*Disclaimer: there are no rules against feeding the wildlife in Regent’s Park, and the feed this kind woman had was specifically for these animals, who she has fed her whole life.
**Not his real name.